Raritan 911: Robocop
- Thread starter Carson
- Start date
My sergeant walked into work last week and turned in his retirement paperwork with zero notice. Dunzo. Effective immediately. I'm kinda jealous. So that leaves me as acting sergeant until the town approves a promotion, they go through the promotional process, and the Chief promotes someone who he REALLY wants running the shift.
People lose their shit during the holidays. To cops, Christimas music in the stores means shoplifters and holiday lights mean domestics, drugs, drunks, and mental health issues.
Saturday Night:
One of the officers on our shift stopped a car, a passenger in the car appeared to be under the influence of drugs, and called me over to assist. I get there and he's got the driver, a female, and her boyfriend, who was the passenger, out of the car. He's patiently waiting for me to keep an eye on them while he searches the car. I talk with her and I realized I've dealt with her before. She has a bit of a drug problem but had a child last year and is trying to get clean. To put it nicely, she never really lost the baby weight. We made small talk while we tried to stay warm. She was wearing a t-shirt and shivering and I offered her a seat in my patrol car while she waits. She refused and was very intent on watching the search (hint, hint).
One of our detectives who happened to be in the area stopped by to help. Turns out he doesn't know the driver.
Det: Hi, I'm Detective Jackass.
Driver: Hi.
Det: You look really cold. Do you want to sit in my car while you wait?
Driver: No, I'm ok.
Det: Well you look so cold that I think your baby is getting cold!
Driver: What?
Me: Holy shit.
Det: Nothing, I was just saying you look cold enough that your baby is probably cold.
Driver: My baby isn't in the car.
Me: Holy shit.
Det: What?
Driver: My child is at home with my mother.
Me: Dude...
Det: I...I thought you...thought you...
Me: Holy shit.
Driver: Oh my god, you think I'm pregnant? I'M NOT PREGNANT!
Det: Oh...oh...I didn't mean...oh
Me: Detective, we are good here, thanks for all of your help.
Detective leaves the scene as the driver breaks out in tears. So @jShort can sleep, heroin was found in the car and the boyfriend took possession of it and was arrested. After the driver calmed down, I determined that she wasn't under the influence of heroin and she was released.
Sunday Night #1:
Another officer and I are hoping for a slow Sunday. We are headed to dinner, hoping to catch some of the SNF game at the pizza joint. Before we get to dinner, we get dispatched to a shoplifter in custody at Walmart. We arrived to find loss prevention detained a woman for shoplifting $60 worth of stuff. She's a rough looking 50-year old that's been through the system. She's high, missing a few teeth, missing a finger (like fresh; it's still bandaged), and lives at a local hotel on Social Services. We search her belongings and find needles and heroin. Shocker.
So the other officer and I get her back to the station for processing (you never want to be alone with a female prisoner) and she has other outstanding warrants for minor crimes. So she's going to jail not back to the hotel. Being a female, I can't search her very thoroughly, but I usually just announce that a female officer will search her at the jail and if she brings contraband into a correctional facility, she will catch the drug charge and the felony charge for introducing contraband into a correctional facility. Most times, a seasoned criminal will pull the stuff out of their bra/panties/vagina in the bathroom and we avoid the strip search issue since we don't have a female officer on every shift.
By the way, only dudes use their butt. I guess a vagina is more easily accessible if you have one readily available.
Well I'm giving my "speech" when she pulled down her pants and underwear to show me that she isn't concealing anything. I cried out "oh boy". The other officer looked up from his paperwork and audibly gagged. We started talking over each other, telling her to pull up her pants. Like two guys on COPS yelling over each other "drop the weapon". After what felt like an eternity, she reholstered her genitals. It was like a train wreck. It was really hard to look away.
We skipped dinner.
Sunday Night #2
I work with a serious power lifter. He just won some title for some leg-press thing. Like 650 pounds without wraps. I don't know any more details about it but he's huge and not the guy to fuck with. But, he's short and thick and sometimes people mistakenly think he's fat and out of shape. It is a grave error.
Officer Thickness and I get dispatched to a local bar for a drunken patron. We arrived and dudeman is about 50, fat, and absolutely hammered. He's yelling and obviously needs to go home. Arresting him makes him our problem and he hasn't done anything except be a drunk asshole so far. As @pooriggy knows, that in and of itself is not a crime.
We escorted him outside and for 10 minutes, we tried to calm him down and get him to call his girlfriend to come pick him up. No luck. We found another patron who knew dudeman and called his girlfriend for us. While we waited, dudeman just continued to yell and point his finger at Thickness, naming all the old cops he knows because he has lived in town since the Mayflower landed.
Dude: I know Officer Alpha!
Thickness: He's dead.
Dude: I know Officer Bravo!
Thickness: He's retired.
Dude: I know Officer Charlie!
Thickness: He quit. He hated it here.
Dude: I know Officer Delta!
Thickness: Never heard of him
Dude: I know Officer Echo!
Thickness: He was fired.
Dude: I know Officer Foxtrot!
Thickness: Me, too. I don't like him.
So dudeman got more angry. In front of other witnesses, dudeman threatened to kill Thickness's family. Before I even processed what was said and got ready for the battle, Thickness had him pinned up against the patrol car, with his shoulder into dudeman's torso, leg pressing him into the door. While I get him cuffed up, I hear what I think is a car tire leaking air. After I finished cuffing him, Thickness backed off him and I heard air rushing back into dudeman's lungs.
Dudeman caught disorderly persons, obstructing, and resisting arrest charges this holiday season.
People lose their shit during the holidays. To cops, Christimas music in the stores means shoplifters and holiday lights mean domestics, drugs, drunks, and mental health issues.
Saturday Night:
One of the officers on our shift stopped a car, a passenger in the car appeared to be under the influence of drugs, and called me over to assist. I get there and he's got the driver, a female, and her boyfriend, who was the passenger, out of the car. He's patiently waiting for me to keep an eye on them while he searches the car. I talk with her and I realized I've dealt with her before. She has a bit of a drug problem but had a child last year and is trying to get clean. To put it nicely, she never really lost the baby weight. We made small talk while we tried to stay warm. She was wearing a t-shirt and shivering and I offered her a seat in my patrol car while she waits. She refused and was very intent on watching the search (hint, hint).
One of our detectives who happened to be in the area stopped by to help. Turns out he doesn't know the driver.
Det: Hi, I'm Detective Jackass.
Driver: Hi.
Det: You look really cold. Do you want to sit in my car while you wait?
Driver: No, I'm ok.
Det: Well you look so cold that I think your baby is getting cold!
Driver: What?
Me: Holy shit.
Det: Nothing, I was just saying you look cold enough that your baby is probably cold.
Driver: My baby isn't in the car.
Me: Holy shit.
Det: What?
Driver: My child is at home with my mother.
Me: Dude...
Det: I...I thought you...thought you...
Me: Holy shit.
Driver: Oh my god, you think I'm pregnant? I'M NOT PREGNANT!
Det: Oh...oh...I didn't mean...oh
Me: Detective, we are good here, thanks for all of your help.
Detective leaves the scene as the driver breaks out in tears. So @jShort can sleep, heroin was found in the car and the boyfriend took possession of it and was arrested. After the driver calmed down, I determined that she wasn't under the influence of heroin and she was released.
Sunday Night #1:
Another officer and I are hoping for a slow Sunday. We are headed to dinner, hoping to catch some of the SNF game at the pizza joint. Before we get to dinner, we get dispatched to a shoplifter in custody at Walmart. We arrived to find loss prevention detained a woman for shoplifting $60 worth of stuff. She's a rough looking 50-year old that's been through the system. She's high, missing a few teeth, missing a finger (like fresh; it's still bandaged), and lives at a local hotel on Social Services. We search her belongings and find needles and heroin. Shocker.
So the other officer and I get her back to the station for processing (you never want to be alone with a female prisoner) and she has other outstanding warrants for minor crimes. So she's going to jail not back to the hotel. Being a female, I can't search her very thoroughly, but I usually just announce that a female officer will search her at the jail and if she brings contraband into a correctional facility, she will catch the drug charge and the felony charge for introducing contraband into a correctional facility. Most times, a seasoned criminal will pull the stuff out of their bra/panties/vagina in the bathroom and we avoid the strip search issue since we don't have a female officer on every shift.
By the way, only dudes use their butt. I guess a vagina is more easily accessible if you have one readily available.
Well I'm giving my "speech" when she pulled down her pants and underwear to show me that she isn't concealing anything. I cried out "oh boy". The other officer looked up from his paperwork and audibly gagged. We started talking over each other, telling her to pull up her pants. Like two guys on COPS yelling over each other "drop the weapon". After what felt like an eternity, she reholstered her genitals. It was like a train wreck. It was really hard to look away.
We skipped dinner.
Sunday Night #2
I work with a serious power lifter. He just won some title for some leg-press thing. Like 650 pounds without wraps. I don't know any more details about it but he's huge and not the guy to fuck with. But, he's short and thick and sometimes people mistakenly think he's fat and out of shape. It is a grave error.
Officer Thickness and I get dispatched to a local bar for a drunken patron. We arrived and dudeman is about 50, fat, and absolutely hammered. He's yelling and obviously needs to go home. Arresting him makes him our problem and he hasn't done anything except be a drunk asshole so far. As @pooriggy knows, that in and of itself is not a crime.
We escorted him outside and for 10 minutes, we tried to calm him down and get him to call his girlfriend to come pick him up. No luck. We found another patron who knew dudeman and called his girlfriend for us. While we waited, dudeman just continued to yell and point his finger at Thickness, naming all the old cops he knows because he has lived in town since the Mayflower landed.
Dude: I know Officer Alpha!
Thickness: He's dead.
Dude: I know Officer Bravo!
Thickness: He's retired.
Dude: I know Officer Charlie!
Thickness: He quit. He hated it here.
Dude: I know Officer Delta!
Thickness: Never heard of him
Dude: I know Officer Echo!
Thickness: He was fired.
Dude: I know Officer Foxtrot!
Thickness: Me, too. I don't like him.
So dudeman got more angry. In front of other witnesses, dudeman threatened to kill Thickness's family. Before I even processed what was said and got ready for the battle, Thickness had him pinned up against the patrol car, with his shoulder into dudeman's torso, leg pressing him into the door. While I get him cuffed up, I hear what I think is a car tire leaking air. After I finished cuffing him, Thickness backed off him and I heard air rushing back into dudeman's lungs.
Dudeman caught disorderly persons, obstructing, and resisting arrest charges this holiday season.
Last edited:
SpartaBard
Well-Known Member
@davidcarson48 - my wife's yoga instructor got arrested for stashing her stash inside her.
Mind over body, bro.
Great line..
Delish
Well-Known Member
Comic timing on point. Much enjoyed.
Best story so far. Sargent
Dutch Frog
Member
"thickness" "dudeman" great
I'm more likely to grab a Cat 1 podium next season.
w_b
Well-Known Member
come on now. this bumps the retirement up nicely. when is the test?
Yeah I'd love the extra $500 month in retirement. No test. Chief picks. See what I'm getting at??
Red Mosquito
Formerly RLB the Scrapple Boy
Picks? His nose?
Ah.....
jnos
Well-Known Member
He did it the wrong way. A decent lawyer could win the case if he told police he believed he was sold a bag of meth instead of the bag of toilet bowl deodorizer. Like that time I thought the pizza delivery guy gave me weed instead of oregano, but it turned out to be oregano.
@davidcarson48
Are metheads the dumbest out of all recreational users because it sure seems like it whenever I do a Cops binge.
Are metheads the dumbest out of all recreational users because it sure seems like it whenever I do a Cops binge.