Be the doughnut! (or, how I learned to stop worrying and enjoy mediocrity)

Medi-Okra


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I wrote a race report for Nittany. You can read it over on Can I get a Freakin Race Report. As @seanrunette implies, maybe I set the bar too low for myself in terms of mediocrity. A few things to note though.

1: Nittany fields seemed weaker this year.
2: I do well at grass crits—no real long power sections at Nittany
3: Pokemon Go watts in full effect. Free watts are up for grabs all over a course like this…little tiny fractions of a second in every turn.
4: @Norm points out that I am fresh. I’m also in the right head space. Pushing hard feels good. Fact: I hit my highest heart rate in years on the last lap yesterday. 191. I can only do that when I break through some psychological limits.

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On Masters Racing

I am stoked to see @The Heckler stepping up and racing Elites this year. From the looks of things he is going to crush it but as he has written, it’s a different game.

This year I decided to race M35+ instead of the Elite field for a couple reason including but not limited to start time & lack of any real structured training, but mostly because racing for over an hour is the suck if you haven’t been training much. There’s always a gut-punch-moment after 20 minutes or racing and your hear Joe Sailing announce 8 laps to go. It’s demoralizing. 45 minute races practically are over before you know what hit you.

There are some similarities between M35+ and the Elite field. Strictly on the basis of lap times, the pointy end of the M35+ would be easy lead-lap UCI finishers, with a few of the guys possibly being in contention for UCI points every now and then. But that’s about where it ends.

As @The Heckler says, the first lap of the Elite race is straight up bananas. Every corner is contested and every corner is 2, 3, or 4 dudes wide. If you are in the UCI scrub zone, you burn so many matches in the first lap or two just dog fighting for position. And the crashes. Always the crashes. While most of the guys are generally solid bike handlers, there is just way too much humanity, testosterone and carbon fiber not to have mass carnage. UCI races are relentless, cruel and unforgiving. One mistake towards the start of the race and you may lose 5-10 spots. And they never let up. If you make it through the first lap alive you have 9 or 10 more to look forward to and they are just ast fast as the first. All go, all the time.

M35+ starts, on the other hand, are much more Scandinavian. The starts are efficient, orderly, and almost civil. They are quick but typically the group just sort of chills the ‘eff out for a lap or two—not slow by any means but typically the attacks don’t start right away. The top guys percolate to their perches, the squishy center squishes to the center and the danglers dangle. Guys sort of know there place. Then after a lap or three the fireworks start. The selection takes place and the lead group starts to dwindle.

The fast masters all know each other, they know each others' styles, strengths, weaknesses. And there is more of a mental game going on than just GO HARD ALL THE TIME. Masters racing is fun—I find it to be a little more tactical than just cranking it up to eleven until your legs cramp.

Masters racing is demoralizing in a different way. In past years, I would have considered a top 10 in a big M35+ MAC field an accomplishment—all those guy would generally be lead-lap UCI racers. Super Meh. Pulling off a W in that field will probably be something that never happens for me. You don’t race masters if you like winning. The same couple dudes seem to win just about every race. There’s no glory in it. Nobody takes photos or posts cool Instagram edits of masters fields--the wives and children were bored of it years ago. You don’t get your name on cyclingnews.com when they happen to publish the full UCI results. You don’t get to say your raced against [insert random Euro Pro poaching some easy UCI points]. But the racing is still amazingly fun and even a mediocre squirrel finds a half-eaten moldy nut every once in a while.

This picture makes me think my saddle is too low.

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I've sat at multiple holiday dinner tables and watched my mother, aunts and cousins shaking their wrists to cheat and "try to beat" each other.

Turns out you can cheat your fitbit. 😕

Fold laundry with Fitbit on.
 
Quick race report of little to no consequence: Hippo Cross A’s.

The origins of cyclocross are somewhat contested but popular belief is that back in the olden days bored French farmers would force feed absinthe to their goats, saddle them up and race them from town to town in search of frites. Years later, modern day Belgians, who could not afford goats, adapted the sport to bicycles, replaced the absinte with Jupiler beer, and called it veldrijden, which translates loosely to “drunken field riding without goat.”
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Many of the classic Belgian veldrijden tracks (for extra points, call it a “track”, not a course) still maintain the farm-like feel—raw terrain, cow paths, etc…-- unlike in the USA where we mostly race on putting greens. There are a few local races that don’t fit the mold of a typical US cross race and Hippo Cross is one of them. The Horseshoe Scramble course race we used to help organize was another one. I sucked equally at both. I have to commend the organizer of HippoCross for giving it their all because putting on a cross race on a farm has its challenges.

I decided to race the A race rather than 40+ mostly because of the start time despite my longest ride in recent memory being at least as long as the race would likely be. After pre-riding, I knew the course would be a tough one for me--long power sections, few turns, non-technical. I had hoped for heavy rain but By 3:00 PM the course had nearly dried out and was very fast.

With KMC happening up in Canada, the A field was small but surprisingly strong—6-8 really powerful guys, all of which I have raced before: The Murphy Bros, Szymon, Gerry, Bruno, Gui and a few others. If they are all thoroughbreds, then and I am a My Little Pony doll. I haven’t done a full hour CX effort since last year so I knew I had to put out measured efforts otherwise I would explode. I knew I wouldn’t be racing for a podium but honestly I don’t really know where my fitness is at this point so the big question was hot long I could hang.

We start and within the first two pedal strokes I’ve bumped shoulders 3 times. Normal stuff, nobody batts an eye. I’m not gunning for the hole shot today away. We storm off down the long road and bleed spots back to 6th or so. It’s lose and sketchy but nobody dumps it. At some point, Gui, who is wearing a Richard Nixon mask and sports coat blows by me on a climb. I have the pleasure of chasing Tricky Dick for a half a lap. After 1.5 laps it’s clear I don’t have the watts to hang at the front today and a big group of perhaps 6 at the front gets away. Suddenly I’m in no-mans-land which is a terrible place to be in an hour race.


Eventually, I connect with Jack D, who I have raced against for years and seems like a good dude but I don’t know very well. We go back and forth most of the race and are pretty well matched. He drives a bike pretty well but it’s clear that he is stronger on the climbs this day. Somewhere around the halfway point, Jack takes a dirt nap one of the hairpin turns but I can’t take advantage of it because I have to put both feet down to avoid running him over.

He catches me after a couple laps then I pop and lose his wheel. The gap grows to 12 seconds, then for what seems like 5 laps, I slowly claw my way back to him. Gain 5 seconds on the downhill…lose 3 seconds on the climbs…repeat. At some point Kyle M, who had flatted early on catches us. As he did I had two thoughts: 1) grab that wheel!, and 2) didn’t I see him on TV riding in a break at a brutal stage of the Tour of Utah this summer? Needless to say, My Little Pony wasn't able to hold his wheel for long.

I finally catch Jack with about 2 laps to go. I’m not sure if he has cracked or if he is going to sit in and burn one last match. I knew the only section I could put in a gap was on the fast downhill and would have to hold it through the next two climbs to with our duo. So I make the pass and get ready to try to make it stick on the last lap.

On the last downhill I take risks to put in a gap—barely touch the brakes on the fast downhill—but he closes the gap right before the climb. As we hit the climb, he lights a blowtorch melts the polyester rainbow mane right off me as he puts in a quick 10 second cap to seal 8th or whatever place we were racing for.

Racing for an hour is hard.
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No question the most entertaining race of the day. A slug - fest from start to finish. Chapeau!
 
Absence makes the heart grow fungus. Words have been hard to come by the past few weeks so a quick photographic essay.

When the heart of cross season comes calling, go on vacation! Part of being mediocre is being 1000% ok with not racing. I won't say that I wasn't a little jealous of the folks racing but we took the chitlins' to see a big hole in the ground, to sleep in a caboose and get sand in our shoes, and it was awesome.

In our house, all minivans are named "Noah". Our Odyssey is "Real Noah" or just "Noah." All others are "Fake Noah's" Minivan's, in case you don't already know, are the greatest vehicles ever made. Here is Fake Noah with full flaps deployed.
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All the good parents planned their Grand Canyon lodging month ago and had superb lodging IN THE PARK. We are not good parents. It was either sleep in a flea bag motel or sleep in a caboose and of course we chose the latter. The kids loved it but there is a reason Cabooses are not typically used as hotel rooms. Here, Fake Noah looks like a suckling pig on the teat of the Caboose Motel sow.
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We saw The Grand Hole In the Earth. I was awestruck as was @Dominos . The kids loved the squirrels.
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We drove a million miles from The Grand Hole In the Earth to Zion National Park where we did some toddler hiking through a river. Hiking to a 3 year old consists of a really fun ride on a bipedal horse. You are the bipedal horse, which makes your 3 year old a toddler jockey. My toddler jockey kept wanting me to walk deeper into the water so he could get his feet wet. As the old saying goes, "you can lead a bipedal horse to water but you can't make him wade deep enough to get his junk wet."
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We then hiked/rode our bipedal horses to the top of an overlook. I was awestruck as was @Dominos . The kids loved the chipmunks. Some idiot tourist was calling the chipmunks "sugar gliders." It was everything I could muster not to correct said tourist because everybody knows that Sugar Gliders are endemic to mainland Australia, New Guinea and certain Indonesian islands, not the Southern Utah desert.
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We ate tacos every single night. On this particular night of taco eating, I also had a beer with a depiction of a person getting rad wearing what appers to be a Montreal Expos uniform riding a 26er with a Lefty.
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Upon return from the trip I raced Emmaus Cyclocross Festival, Masters 35+. I didn't win but that's a story for another day...possibly.

Edit: According to Crossresults and USACycling, it looks like I did not actually race Emmaus Cyclocross Festival. WTF? I want my crossresults points. Actually I don't care except I got USAC upgrade points, which I need so I can upgrade to Cat 1 then promptly request a downgrade to Cat 3.

HPCX this weekend. Hope to see all of your smiling faces.
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An actual race recap!

For me, HPCX is a race that has always been my nemesis. This year marked the seventh consecutive year I have raced HPCX and I except for the first year I raced it in 2010, which was the only cyclocross race I have ever won and one of my last races as a Cat 4, I have always had super mediocre results.

I think there are a number of factors contributing to my mediocre HPCX performances Take for example 2011: It was the day after the freak October Snowpocalype storm and I've never experienced a colder & sloppier races. I love racing in the mud but this was one of the worst rides I've ever had--combination of bad luck (pedal through my front wheel at the start) and bad insulation (I went hypothermic and couldn't really get going).

Here's @armyofone crushing the Elite race that year:


And here I am being extremely mediocre in the B's


2012-2014: I think I had mechanicals or punctures in every race. Of all the races I have ended up riding a pit bike, which is very few, HPCX accounts for most of them.

Mostly though, I think my HPCX suckage has a lot to do with the fact it is really a raw power course. For me there aren't really any free watts on on this course. It's usually fast and flowy but the two climbs are really the only thing that matter and you cant' fake power on a climb.

2016 Edition:
At staging I end up finally meeting a guy who i have raced for years but never actually spoke to. Caleb H, who I actually battled with for the win in 2010 as Cat 4s. He is one of a handful of guys that have moved through the system as a cohort. Cat 4->Cat 3->Elite->Masters.

I rolled up to my third row starting position and picked a spot right int he middle, which I usually try not to do, but it was behind a couple guys who i know are good starters. Usually a 3rd row start in M35+ isnt' a problem for me but Roger, who is on the front row misses his pedal or something and I get boxed. By the time we crest the hill and head into the grass I'm probably 8th, with a Roger, Ralf, Freifelder and a bunch of other fast cats behind me. The first lap is relatively tame and I'm sitting comfortably on Wolter's wheel an the plan is to just sit in and find my race.

Last year I would have been tempted to try to make the lead group with Roger and Larino but this year the goal was to sit in and hang with the second group--the poursuivants, which is a total misnomer because generally there's no catching that lead group once it splits.

We hit start finish climb and Rich gaps me, then 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 guys pass me. I must have held the B button down too long.
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I reconnect with the group of Wolter/Freifelder/Amato/Molloy but when we hit the next climb, I'm so far into the red I just have to drop anchor.

At some point Ralf tractors on through and he must have plowed through the group ahead of me because somehow he ended up in 5th. That cat is so smooth and diesel.
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Anyway, the rest of the race is mostly solo--big gap in front and my chaser dangling between 10-20 seconds back. I ended up in 10th, which may be my best 35+ finish at HPCX. It was a clean race--no crashes or mechanicals--but not where i really wanted to finish.

Spent the rest of the day hanging at the tent with a bunch of yoos.
@seanrunnette interviewed me for the podcast. I'm pretty sure I sound like a complete tool.

Sunday-no racing but we finally got our 3 year-old to give up his balance bike and had a breakthrough day on the pedal bike
 
Looking at those Snowpocalypse pictures its sort of amazing that the race has continued to happen at that venue.
 
that mud race at HPCX; i always thought that was normal for racing. been spoiled...
 
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