Impossible quotes of stupidity

jdog

Shop: Halter's Cycles
Shop Keep
:DHere is a chance to report the amazingly dumb things that people say when on or around bikes.

An easy one: JRA - " I was just riding along and the wheel got bent" (I hear this 100's of times a summer in the shop)

Or "there are tubes in the wheels??"

or "I don't know how I got a flat, I pumped my tires already this year.."

or " c'mon we're leaving, this place is a rip-off! Walmart's bikes have more shocks and they cost way less" (I swear i hear this all the time)

or "where are your Stunt Bikes??" (this one really gets me)

or "Yer tube are dee-fective, They have holes in em'" (I then ask: "did you use a screwdriver to change it??") They say' "How'd ya know??"



or better yet:

While getting a sandwich after riding the other day this guy says to me:

guy-"is dat dare yoos bike on dee car??"

Me- "yep"

guy- "Whare do dey hide dem gears dat ting" (talking about my ss bike)

Me- "There is just one speed"

guy "yer crazzy" (he walks away)


..So this crazy 1/2 drunk guy totally misses the more obvious "Is yer fork brok'ed" comment (about the lefty) and heads down the mysterious SS question. This whole interaction made my day btw..


Got anything like this to add??
 
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CycleBoy

Sussex Bike and Sport
Shop Keep
We had a kid in the summer that bought 3 bikes in the course of a months because he couldn't decide what type of riding he wanted to do. Turns out his parents let him take out his savings bonds to do this. He's in the shop telling us about this and how he has no money left. Then he looks at me and says, "It wasn't smart, but it was a good idea." :hmmm:
 

NickDavid

New Member
Dude, where the hell do you live that people talk like that? I thought this was New Jersey, not Kentucky.
 

Norm

Mayor McCheese
Team MTBNJ Halter's
We had a kid in the summer that bought 3 bikes in the course of a months because he couldn't decide what type of riding he wanted to do. Turns out his parents let him take out his savings bonds to do this. He's in the shop telling us about this and how he has no money left. Then he looks at me and says, "It wasn't smart, but it was a good idea." :hmmm:

Good stuff. Live for today, baby. Tomorrow you might get hit by a rogue satellite.
 

jdog

Shop: Halter's Cycles
Shop Keep
Dude, where the hell do you live that people talk like that? I thought this was New Jersey, not Kentucky.

This guy really talked like that. I swear.

Have you ever been to south Jersey??

When you deal with the public you get all types. So I see it all.
 

CycleBoy

Sussex Bike and Sport
Shop Keep
one of my favorites, and I'm sure you get this too J, is when someone walks in past all the bikes to the counter and asks, "Do you guys fix bikes?"
 

Engignar

New Member
Good stuff. Live for today, baby. Tomorrow you might get hit by a rogue satellite.

From what I read yesterday we have one coming our way! Depends if it burns on reentry. I like the sentiment though, forget the recession! Live now! It's more fun.

Disclaimer: I am not currently, nor ever have been, a financial adviser.
 

Norm

Mayor McCheese
Team MTBNJ Halter's
From what I read yesterday we have one coming our way! Depends if it burns on reentry. I like the sentiment though, forget the recession! Live now! It's more fun.

Disclaimer: I am not currently, nor ever have been, a financial adviser.

Unfortunately for Walter, I am not either.

I read that it's the size of a small bus and it weighs 10 tons. That's a lot of burning to do.
 

anrothar

entirely thrilled
about 7 years ago, when i worked in a shop, and downhilling at ski resorts was just getting popular, the dumbest quotes i remember where when a teenage boy would walk in with his parents, with a next or similar, headtube snapped off or front wheel almost touching the handlebars, and would say; "i took it to mt creek.". i felt bad for them, victims of the media and irresponsible advertising on the parts of the mass merchant manufacturers, but still....
 

clarkenstein

JORBA Money Launderer
JORBA.ORG
not bike related, but working in a hardware store for years - i have seen a bunch of stuff.

---

one dude i felt bad for - his wife had convinced him to go down to the hardware store to install a new ceiling fan. honestly, it's not that hard if you're a handy-type... but this guy had the fear in his eyes. after giving him the fan braces and explaining a little bit about electricity, and giving him a box and wires and some other crap he asks "how do i know if my electricity is off?"

:hmmm: after figuring out how old the house is, i explained flipping the breakers in his breaker box etc... when i got the "where do i find that" i knew he was in trouble. i swear he left the store thoroughly convinced he was going to die.

---

another time i had a dude who took WAY too much acid come in and ask me for pesticides for his bed, as he was convinced he had bugs all over his sheets when he went to bed. that was just an awkward 5 minutes.

---

my favorite was when high school kids would beeline right for the plumbing section to (1) build a pipe bomb or (2) build a bong/bowl or (3) build a funnel.

"dude, do you have like the little screen that goes in the faucet? ours got all messed up, and my parents are coming home"

when? was that at the party you just had, and your buddy needed another screen because his was all messed up and he needed to pull some tubes? righteous.

---

grill covers would go out like mad in the summer... and usually we would sell twice as many as we would new grills... because after grilling, the OCD-types like to clean their grill up instantly, right after those hot juicy burgers came off the grill - good idea (makes for easy cleaning), just don't try to put that plastic cover on your 400 degree grill as soon as your done cooking - let it cool off a bit first, unless you like melting grill covers.

---

and my all time favorite - (and this is the truth). we got a call about a light fixture in a bathroom of a house a couple just moved into. it was a three bulb fixture over a sink. there were two light switches in the bathroom. when the first switch was put on, two of the lights in the fixtures, the lights on each end, would light up. when the second light switch was turned on, a fan went on. they wanted to know about wiring and if they could find the third light switch for the middle light, and if they needed any fancy electrical tools, or even something simple like a fish tape, to find the 'missing' switch. they had a great laugh-at-themselves reaction after i told them that instead of searching for a third light switch, they may need to just search for a new bulb, because they probably just had a burnt out light bulb versus a hidden light switch for the middle light.
 

jdog

Shop: Halter's Cycles
Shop Keep
Classic stuff.

I grew up i maine and in some harware stores you can buy beer, guns and ammo all in one stop.

Later on when I worked construction I realized that the hardware store in town was the only place to buy window glass. They also sold a wide assorment of slingshots.
 
D

DANSPANK

Guest
A little bit off topic but we used to send interns out for:
-a bag of sparks
-a skirting board ladder (the kickboard at the bottom of a wall)
-a long stand
-tartan paint

Ahhh the fun we had...
 

anrothar

entirely thrilled
the best is convincing someone gullible and really naive to order you trouser trout when placing a phone order for lunch.
 

jdog

Shop: Halter's Cycles
Shop Keep
J-DOG,

How come your bikes cost more than Walmart?

Because they are made to last more than 91 days. You will note that Walmart bikes typically have a 90 day warranty.

I have a burning hate in my belly for crap bikes. Life is too short to buy fkn crap bikes.

This is my least favorite part of my job. ie.. Telling a single mom that the bike that she bought for her son was a total waste of money.

Often the repair costs on a 2 week old Next (walmart brand) are 75% of the cost paid for the Tank they bought at America's warehouse of deception.
 

MMuller

Well-Known Member
Subject: What cyclists say and what they really mean

Cyclists are the biggest liars, sandbaggers and secret trainers around.
They'll say anything to soften you up for the kill. Don't let this
happen to you. Study this handy rider's phrasebook to find out what your
riding buddies really mean when they say:

"I'm out of shape."

Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and haven't missed a day since the
Ford administration. I replace my 11-tooth cog more often than you wash
your shorts. My body fat percentage is lower than your mortgage rate.

"I'm not into competition. I'm just riding to stay in shape."

Translation: I will attack until you collapse in the gutter, babbling
and whimpering. I will win the sprint if I have to force you into a pine
tree. I will crest this hill first if I have to grab your seat post, and
spray energy drink in your eyes.

"I'm on my beater bike."

Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany using Titanium
blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared. It
weighs less than a fart and costs more than a divorce.

"It's not that hilly."

Translation: This climb lasts longer than a presidential campaign. Be
careful on the steep sections or you'll fall over -- backward. You're
lowest gear is 22x30? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.

"This is a no-drop, fun and flowy trail."

Translation: I'll need an article of your clothing for the
search-and-rescue dogs.

"It's not that far."

Translation: Bring your passport.


7. "This is an off-season training ride. No one gets dropped."

Translation: If the fat and infirm aren't strung out in the gutter in the first mile and blown out the back by the second, I will personally begin leading out the sprint, and no I don't give a fuck if the finish is a hundred miles off."

8. "I don't know about the hill section. I'm about ten pounds overweight."

Translation: I climb like a goat and have done more 30% grade, into the wind, mountaintop finishes than a chair lift at a ski resort.

9. "We'll wait for you at the store."

Translation: There is no store.

10. "Just sit on my wheel. I'll tow you back up to the group."

Translation: The only organism that will get any draft off of me had better be skinnier than a spoke and smaller than a gnat.

11. "This ride averages 16-18 mph."

Translation: It's 400 miles long, all uphill, into the wind, and we average in the time we stop for meals, pissing, and burials.

12. "This group welcomes beginning cyclists."

Translation: We will torture you without mercy, take you onto unmarked roads miles from food or water, and attack you the moment you flat.

13. The Jeff Fields Special: "I promise not to sprint."

Translation: I've won every race in the last 25 years that boiled down to the last 200 meters. I'm faster than a Ferrari, throw elbows like an orthopedic surgeon doing battlefield amputations, and will box you in like a clerk picking up shoes after a day-after-Christmas sale.


Ahh, don't forget an old Scott Dickson favorite:

"The C store is just another 10 K or so up the road."

Translation: That might be the truth, but I will make sure we turn about 3 K before you ever get near the store, drag you around for the next 60-80 K until you blood sugar drops into the cellar and take perverse delight in watching you slowly bast yourself into a crispy bird.
 

clarkenstein

JORBA Money Launderer
JORBA.ORG
Cyclists are the biggest liars, sandbaggers and secret trainers around.
They'll say anything to soften you up for the kill. Don't let this
happen to you. Study this handy rider's phrasebook to find out what your
riding buddies really mean when they say:

dude - that stuff is hilarious... and so true.
 
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