The Heckle Report

The Heckler

You bring new meaning to the term SUCK
Based on a cross reference of the MAC standings and prereg on Bikereg this is what the call ups should look like for the 2/3/4 race on Saturday. 10 of the top 20 are not registered.

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Dominique

Well-Known Member
Team MTBNJ Halter's
Charm City CX

From the Gazelle to the Zombie...


Good job out there Matt!
 

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mandi

Well-Known Member
Thanks for heckling me through the sand pits. "I thought you were fast!" That was my favorite moment of the whole race. Bravo
 

UtahJoe

Team Workhorse
Team MTBNJ Halter's
Nice work on the race...but you still suck and you drive your grandmothers car!

Bummed I wasnt there to yell that at you.

Carry on
 

The Heckler

You bring new meaning to the term SUCK
Races 7&8 – Charm City – Baltimore, MD

I’ve decided I want to a different direction with this race report. Here is a new experiment.

Every travel race weekend the Laughing Dog Jersey Contingency (Zach and I) leave town between 6 and 7PM. Dinner is always Pizza from Anthony’s in Morristown. Always. This is not just tradition, this is superstition. The waitresses know us, the pizza is good and we like pizza. In fact I might say I bike so I can consume more pizza. Also on the menu is a buffalo chicken salad. This isn’t a crazy salad but the chicken is breaded and its tasty. (see below) As the story goes Charm City 2013 we both got this salad and both preceded to need to pull off the turnpike to fire poop an hour or so later. We then went to go on to have a great Saturday. I finished 6th in the 4/5 field. Flash forward to September 19, 2014. I was looking down on the same tasty salad, hoping for both no poops and great results. I chased my salad with a slice of cheese and one Sicilian wrapped to go so I could boredom eat in a few.



We hit the road at 6:22 and headed south. The ‘ol iPhone navigated up south and decided 95 was a better idea than the turnpike. I had intended to take the turnpike as I had done some recon earlier this summer and determined there were proper chipwiches at the rest stops.

I DJ’d and we mindlessly followed google maps towards Philadelphia. This was only an issue when there were no rest stops for chipwiches.. Until the traffic... Just south of Philly the jawn jammed up and all the jawns stopped moving. I checked the jawn and the traffic vein glowed a dull blood red. The color that indicated traffic was not slow, but parked. We sat in the jam for about 30 minutes. I tried to navigate my jawn but the screen was struggling with any map renderings. I finally found a detour that looked like it would take us around the remaining ¾ of the jam. Zach put the jawn in gear and we ripped up the right lane by all of the traffic and off onto an empty exit.
Our view of what had been gridlock traffic was replaced by urban decay on the outskirts of the refineries. The massive well lit scaffolding towers dully illuminated strings of half boarded up two family houses, vacant lots and scrap yards. As I noted how sketchy the neighborhood was we rolled by a church which resembled a corner liquor store. A couple turns ahead we were now on the main strip of refineries. Through closed windows we could smell a very caustic scent which alarmingly turned into the smell of strawberry donut frosting. Weird.

Finally back on the highway we stopped at the Delaware welcome center for a pit stop and to seek the chipwich. The place was HUGE. Tall ceilings to compensate for a miniature state. THEY HAD HERSHEY CHIPWICHES! Quick lesson in ‘wich lyfe: A chipwich consists of chocolate chip cookies stuffed with ice cream WITH chocolate chips around the outside. Not do be confused with a icecream cookie sandwich which has no chips on the outside. Onward: While the Hersey chipwich advertises the outside is jam packed densely it in fact had the chips only mixed in with the ice cream. Normally this would be a deal breaker but we did know until we opened the box and the cookies were just super good. And the whole thing was super salty. (mmm-mmmmm)

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We rolled up to the Motel 6, both fading, around 11:15PM. The lobby was locked and I read a sign that said “Use Side Window.” You know, the bullet proof glass window. Baltimore. The room was very clean to the extent it smelt like bleach. The bath towels were hand towel sized and the complimentary two bars of soap provided were comically small.

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Saturday:
My two 20 something finishes at Nittany qualified me for a second row call up. I lined up, the whistle blew, AND I GOT CLIPPED IN! I motored up the sprint and into the grass in around 20th. I raced like a mad man for 45 minutes and worked my way all the way up to 6th! Out of the final sandpit I paced one more guy. As I turned the corner for the pavement sprint I saw one more! I sprinted and beat him to the line! Then coasted to the MTBNJ hobo camp and collapsed 20 feet short (again..) Also the two guys I passed we lap traffic. Oooof. I finished the same position as the previous year but in the next category up. Pretty proud of that and it’s great to see a year’s training paying off.
After the Elite races Zach and I went to dinner with some of the King Kog crew at the same place we did the year before. The whole street was shut down and there were two stages with music, tons of vendors, and plentiful beer. We ate at the bar at the Golden West Café and then enjoyed a brew in the streets whie catching the tail end of this guys set:



This man's manic set came to a stunning finish when his girlfriend came onto stage and fought to drape a cape over him while he punched his bass strings as the background synth loop ripped away. He finally stood up through his bass in the air and it crashed off stage to the pavement. Baltimore hero.

SUNDAY:
We woke up well rested in our stunning 2 star hotel room to find for the second morning in a row the wheels were still on the car. Sweet. Zach has both a history for bed head and a hatred of posed photos. This is the best I could do.

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We rolled into the new closer to the barrier MTBNJ hobo camp around 10:15. There was biker meth/a shattered windshield. Baltimore.



Some old guy also put his foot in his front wheel while falling over the first barrier. I almost wish i didn't tell him not to mount his bike.

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I lined up Sunday third row on the left rail. I HIT MY PEDAL AGAIN and took off up the left to the outside of the first corner again. On the grass I dodged the MAC leader who crashed and had myself in some top 20 position again. Sunday was hotter but the course was a little more forgiving. I finished 9th/112. Another killer result. My barriers were on point this weekend. The last lap on Sunday the guy ahead of me hopped and I gazelled and I actually gained on him.

A buddy of mine who lives near the park caught our race then hung out for the Elites. We rode to his apartment and then walked to dinner. Here are a couple jems of Baltimore:

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Art student. Saw her park it:
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Parking lot Hanes:
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Dinner was tasty. I slayed some General Tso & calamari.
 

The Heckler

You bring new meaning to the term SUCK
A couple more as we left the park for the final time.

AN ARROW?!?!?!?
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Burnt grass and the awesome cleanup crew:
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The Heckler

You bring new meaning to the term SUCK
Beard Report:

My oh my she is looking full and majestic. I got my hair cut last night and now ‘ol beardy beard only looks even bigger! I had to trim the ‘stache around my top lip and also had a lot of rogue whiskers that were longer than the rest so they also got the trim treatment. My actual beard shape comes in with an almost perfect cheek line. Last night I also made that almost perfect line perfect.

Boom.

Next up Gloucester.
 

stb222

Love Drunk
Jerk Squad
The lobby was locked and I read a sign that said “Use Side Window.” You know, the bullet proof glass window. Baltimore.

Just off of 83 in Baltimore was the first place I went to a gas station / convenient store where the attendant was behind 6" thick plexiglass and you handed the money through a tiny little hole. Good thing even ghetto people could careless about a couple of white kids in a freshcort.
 

Pearl

THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING
i heard you looked like a madman this weekend. super kudos.

great read and great photos, would read again
 

Norm

Mayor McCheese
Team MTBNJ Halter's
Good stuff, nice recap. I like the non-race aspects added in. Much excellence.
 
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