Fuck the Red Cross
Special appearances by
@Robin and Lance.
This past week, our Squad worked dayshift (0700-1900) Thursday, Friday, Saturday. So at about 5pm on Saturday, mentally, I started crossing my fingers that we get the hell out of there on time.
So, of course, at about 5:01pm, a young officer gets dispatched to a residential burlgary that was just discovered by the homeowner in the far north section of our town near the Clinton Township border. My Sergeant signs on and responds to the burglary with him. At about 5:02pm, Millennial officer (MO) gets dispatched to Shop-Rite for a shoplifter in the store. For good reason, policy dictates that we send two officers to burglaries and to shoplifters, so I respond to Shop-Rite with MO.
I've been doing this long enough to start picturing the scene to which I'm responding. Someone either hiding product in a bag or purse or someone eating food off the shelves. While the statute specifically states that those two fact patterns constitute shoplifting, it usually turns into a debate that they were actually going to pay for the items in question when they were done shopping. Right. Generally, management will allow the subject to pay for the items in lieu of arrest and advise them that they are not allowed to shop in the store anymore. So, I'm still hopeful that we can resolve the situation quickly.
While responding, dispatch tells us that the subject has been drinking cooking wine off the shelf and is now stumbling towards the exit, ignoring Loss Prevention's detention request. Ok, wonderful. Another radio update told us that the subject, a female, has now collapsed outside the store. Yay!
MO arrived on scene and I was still a few miles away, in traffic, in the rain. I kick on my lights just in case MO starts tussling with the subject. I hear no further radio traffic from MO. Usually that's good. But it could be bad.
I arrived and found MO standing near the stack of shopping carts near the entrance. Next to him are the store manager and loss prevention officer (LPO), both of whom I recognize.
I walk up to the three and find our subject crumpled into a ball between two rows of shopping carts. I make a quick assessment: she is breathing; she probably has a CPAP at home; she approximates the shape of a bowling ball; I can see vomit; I can smell shit.
MO is in conversation with the manager and LPO about what they saw, what she drank, what she may have stolen, etc, etc, etc. NONE of which I give a shit about yet. I mean, they are legitimate investigatory questions that need to be asked, BUT NOT WHY THE BOWLING BALL (BB) CHOKES ON HER VOMIT IN FRONT OF US. MO needs a little extra guidance, even compared to other MOs, and I usually go into teaching mode with him. Two exceptions: when his actions put officers at risk (poor tactical decisions) and when his actions (or lack of action) put others at risk.
So I interrupted MO's thorough investigation into the theft of $3 cooking wine.
Me: Did you call an ambulance?
MO: No, not yet.
Me: Why?
MO: Well, she's under arrest so...
Me: The fuck she is...she's going to the hospital. She's magically unarrested.
MO: Well, she shoplifted so...
Me: Yup but she's also intoxicated to the point of incapacitation, so how the hell do you plan on arresting her? Photographing her? Fingerprinting her?
MO: I hadn't thought about that.
Me: Do you see the vomit?
MO: Ugh, yeah a little.
Me: Do you smell shit?
MO: No.
Me: Go smell her.
MO: What?
Me: Go. Go smell her.
MO: Um, ok.
(MO walks over to her then gags a little)
Me: So you ready to call an ambulance?
MO: Definitely.
(MO radioed for EMS to respond for an intoxicated female)
Me: How about this. I'll babysit her until EMS arrives. You go inside with the LPO, conduct your investigation, watch the surveillance video, and gather your evidence.
MO: Ok that would be great.
MO goes inside for the Great Cooking Wine Caper of 2018. I stand outside with BB. Upwind.
An off-duty EMT stopped by and asked if I needed any help. I looked at him and said, "You don't want any part of this." I think the look on my face said it all, because he only responded with "Ok, thank you" before walking away.
EMS arrived, I briefed them, told them that she is NOT under arrest (which keeps us from having to follow them to the hospital and babysit her at the hospital during treatment). I also warn them of the puke and poop.
As EMS was loading her up for transport, MO came back outside with some empty cooking wine bottles and a bag of cosmetics with which she had been walking around. While I talked with MO, maybe even lectured him,
@Robin and Lance walked by. I break character to at least say hello and waive. Then back to the admonishment. I explain that this is a disorderly persons (misdemeanor) shoplifting and that we can arrest and process her on Wednesday when we come back to work and she is sober. He seems to understand, liked my thought process, and explained that we have no receipt in the bag of cosmetics and they aren't sold at Shop-Rite.
The LPO was a big help. BB apparently shops tipsy quite a bit, so they know her by sight. She never drives (no driver's license), so she takes the Link (Hunterdon County public transportation bus) or Uber to and from the store. So, we had good reason to believe that the cosmetics were stolen from a store within walking distance from Shop-Rite.
After some checking, we learned that the cosmetics were stolen from Ulta Beauty, which is across the street in Flemington Borough. Total value of the cosmetics was a whopping $539, making it a 3rd degree (felony) shoplifting in our neighboring town. I contacted their police department and one of their officers responded to Ulta Beauty to take the report. While we waited for him to arrive, I tried to get one of the Ulta girls to put some foundation on MO to make him easier to look at. The poor girl had no idea how to take me. When the Flemington officer arrived, I let him know that BB is at the hospital but...puke and poop...so don't rush it.
We got out on time, but just barely. While we got changed in the locker room, I expressed to MO and the other Millennials that while the Red Cross's ABCs are AIRWAY, BREATHING, CIRCULATION, this Squad's ABCs are actually PABCs. We don't do PUKE or POOP unless we absolutely have to, then AIRWAY, BREATHING, CIRCULATION. MO acknowledged that my system is the better system.