Raritan 911: Robocop

Carson

Sport Bacon
Team MTBNJ Halter's
#1
I've been thinking of doing a work-related blog for some time now. You see, I love bikes and I've met some great people on here and I'd like to contribute more than I do. But no one wants to read about my 90 minute rides at a moderate pace. Or that I finished DFL at the last Cat 4/5 CX race. Hell, I don't want to write that, let alone read it.

In social situations, I am routinely asked, "Got any funny cop stories?" Sure, I see some weird shit. What kind of funny do you want? Sad? Hilarious? Just plain unbelievable? Sometimes I'm not sure what direction to go in because I don't know my audience. I've also developed a twisted sense of humor from this job. And honestly, unless something happened recently, I usually freeze because I have so many choices.

I've gone back and forth with the idea because I need to be careful about what I post and how I post it. But I think I can keep things non-specific enough to "protect the guilty", so to speak. I am not sure of the format quite yet. I think it's easiest to just dump snippets here as they happen.

My goal here is singular. Humor. It's not to discuss case details, legal implications, or police procedure.

So here's a little introduction:

For those that do not know, I have been a police officer for 17+ years, the last 16 have been with Raritan Township in Hunterdon County. While it's a relatively safe town of 22,000 people, it is spread over a large geographical area of 38 square miles that encompasses a little bit of everything: three state highways, dirt roads, working farms, dense apartment and condo complexes, the third largest high school in the state (3,000 kids), and the only hospital in the county.

Even in Hunterdon County, I have handled just about every kind of call imaginable. Murder. Rape. Bank robbery. Officer-involved shooting. Suicide. Fatal car accidents. Officer killed in the line of duty. I have delivered two babies (both girls; the first is entering high school in the fall), worked during hurricanes (Floyd, Irene, and Sandy), and tornadoes (well, singular...I think the other weather event was ruled straight-line winds). Oddly enough, I was the first officer on scene at a plane crash and a hot air balloon crash.

So on to the incident that prompted this blog...
 

Carson

Sport Bacon
Team MTBNJ Halter's
#3
Stop a car, it stinks of weed. Driver consents to a search. I find the holy trinity for a kid in his twenties: weed, Hennessy, and rubbers. I also find a few unidentified, individually wrapped pills with the rubbers. The wrappers have Asian writing on them.

Me: I guess you were going to party tonight?
Hennessy: Yeah man, I was on my way to a chick's place when you stopped me.
Me: Sorry, dude. So what's with the Asian pills?
Hennessy: Oh those are something I bought in NYC.
Me: So is it like Asian Viagra?
Hennessy: No, it's better. Dude...I can go like a porn star when I take one of those. Even when I'm drunk, I'm unstoppable.
Me: Nice! Are they expensive?
Hennessy: They aren't cheap but they are worth it. You can have one if you want.
Me: I'm good but thank you for offering. So did you take one yet for tonight?
Hennessy: Oh no way man! The girl tonight is a regular. She don't get one of those.
Me: So who does?
Hennessy: Oh I save those for something special. Like...like...two chicks at once or a really smokin' hot chick.
Me: So tonight's chick isn't hot?
Hennessy: She's ok. But when I meet a really hot chick, I lock her down by taking one of those pills the first time.
Me: So you make a good first impression?
Hennessy: Yeah, exactly.
Me: I got it now. So it's like a job interview.
Hennessy: (Laughing) Yeah man you got it!
 
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jShort

2018 Fantasy Football Toilet Bowl Lead Technician
Team MTBNJ Halter's
#4
Can we must assume everybody gets arrested? I know you're "protecting the guilty", but my OCD and curiosity will drive me nuts.
 
#12
This is great - my cousin was a NY state trooper and had lots of awesome stories to tell. I know you drive a mustang GT - I wanna hear about how many times you've been pulled over for speeding and just flashed the badge - my cuz did that all the time.
 

Carson

Sport Bacon
Team MTBNJ Halter's
#13
Can we must assume everybody gets arrested? I know you're "protecting the guilty", but my OCD and curiosity will drive me nuts.
Definitely not! As of yet, stupidity and lack of common sense are not illegal. Beyond that, you'll just have to use your imagination.
 

Carson

Sport Bacon
Team MTBNJ Halter's
#20
We have a regional dispatch center that answers 9-1-1 calls and dispatches emergency services for all of Hunterdon County. Much of Hunterdon is rural, as illustrated by this call that was received from a neighboring municipality:

Dispatch: 9-1-1, where is you emergency?
Caller: (Gives address)
Dispatch: What's your emergency?
Caller: There's a goat on my front porch.
Dispatch: Is it your goat?
Caller: No.
Dispatch: Do you know who owns the goat?
Caller: No.
Dispatch: Did you try to shoo the goat away?
Caller: No.
Dispatch: Will you try that for me?
Caller: No.
Dispatch: Ok, I'll send an officer.
Caller: Thank you.

Officer arrived and advised the goat ran into the woods upon his arrival.
 
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