Dear Iggy - An Advice Column

Norm

Norm

Mayor McCheese
Team MTBNJ Halter's
This is for @pooriggy to answer. Recently it has come to my attention that people in the cycling community have a lot of questions they may be a little nervous to ask. Well here's the place to finally let that steam out! The Dear Iggy column is born.

So without further ado, here's our first question:

"Dear Iggy.

My riding buddy has a girlfriend who is just getting into riding. Last week while riding together, I make a last minute turn and she crashed behind me. She's now wearing a purple cast. How can I show my remorse, without taking credit for the accident? One could argue that she wouldn't have crashed if she had more experience handling a bike.

Signed,
Sketchy Roadie Prick in Asbury Park"
 
Norm said:
This is for @pooriggy to answer. Recently it has come to my attention that people in the cycling community have a lot of questions they may be a little nervous to ask. Well here's the place to finally let that steam out! The Dear Iggy column is born.

So without further ado, here's our first question:

"Dear Iggy.

She's now wearing a purple cast. How can I show my remorse, without taking credit for the accident?
Signed,
Sketchy Roadie Prick in Asbury Park"
Click to expand...

Dear Sketchy Roadie Prick,

This can be a difficult situation since you don't want to offend your riding buddy. While it is unfortunate that his girlfriend ended up in a cast due to drafting your wheel, you do have a reputation to uphold as a roadie prick. Therefore I would recommend getting his girlfriend a purple cycling cap to go with her cast, but tell her she can't wear the cap unless on the bike(rule#7). If you really want to kiss some ass, sign the cap for her. This should keep your friendship intact with your riding buddy.

Iggy
 
Dear Iggy-

Is it on to do snot rockets when somebody is behind you on the traiks? Do you anouce the side?
 
Dear Iggy

I wish to portray myself as a rapper. As I can see from all of your videos you do the same thing. How to I break into the business?
 
knobbyhead said:
Dear Iggy-

Is it on to do snot rockets when somebody is behind you on the traiks? Do you anouce the side?
Click to expand...
jdgang said:
The removal of bodily fluids and gasses should be done at the back of the pack, unless creating a diversionary tactic...then use whatever means possible to throw off the chase group.


Dear Iggy

I wish to portray myself as a rapper. As I can see from all of your videos you do the same thing. How to I break into the business?
Click to expand...
Well to portray yourself as a rapper just emulate a teenage suburban white boy from a middle to upper middle class family.
To break into the business and be a rapper give away all your money and possessions, move into the ghetto and fight your way out...bitch.
 
Dear Iggy,

Would getting a Straight Outta Compton shirt score me some cred?

Can I wear it in NYC?

Fido
 
It's Monday so that must mean it's time for @pooriggy to answer some more reader mail!

"Dear Iggy,

My best riding girlfriend just got a boyfriend, and I'm so happy for her, except for one thing. He really wants to get into riding, but can't keep up with us when we ride together. He seems like an OK guy, but I don't want to ride with him until he can shred the gnar like I can. How can I get her to leave him behind until he's a little faster?

Signed,
Fast Chick in Sussex"
 
Dear Iggy,
If your buddy ran out of chamois cream, and all you used was stuff from a tin, would you allow your buddy to "dip" into your supply?
 
Norm said:
It's Monday so that must mean it's time for @pooriggy to answer some more reader mail!

"Dear Iggy,

My best riding girlfriend just got a boyfriend, and I'm so happy for her, except for one thing. He really wants to get into riding, but can't keep up with us when we ride together. He seems like an OK guy, but I don't want to ride with him until he can shred the gnar like I can. How can I get her to leave him behind until he's a little faster?

Signed,
Fast Chick in Sussex"
Click to expand...

Dear Fast Chick is Sussex,
I'm going to get right to the point on this one. You need to mitch slap this dude hard on a ride so that he will not want to join in any of your group rides. If this guy is OK, (as you say) he will get the hint. If he does not get the hint and continues to show up at your rides then he will eventually get faster. Just make sure he knows his way back to the parking lot at the start of a ride and notifies his next of kin as to where he'll be. Problem solved.
 
Dear Iggy,



I am a Roadie Prick at heart, but trying desperately to pass as a mountain biker. Should I try to buy trail credibility with blingy exotic equipment or am I better off working on my steez with a lot of Fox apparel and some righteous ink?


Also, I ride with a guy who has many emergencies, so I find that I have to carry maxi pads in case of gaping tears in his skin and toilet paper for him. Should I wrap those in a plastic bag in case of a sudden downpour?


In prolonged sub freezing temperatures, as we may experience in the northeast, what do you usually put in your water bottles to keep them liquid and drinkable? I prefer about a half a shot of Johnnie Walker White Label, but others suggest an economical single malt.



Finally, one of my friends wants to get into mountin’ bikin’. He just bought a $300 mtb on Craig’s list that is two sizes too small. For his first ride, should I take him to Sourlands, Chimney Rock or Waywayanda?




Your neighbor,


Roadie Prick
 
thegock said:
Dear Iggy,



I am a Roadie Prick at heart, but trying desperately to pass as a mountain biker. Should I try to buy trail credibility with blingy exotic equipment or am I better off working on my steez with a lot of Fox apparel and some righteous ink?


Also, I ride with a guy who has many emergencies, so I find that I have to carry maxi pads in case of gaping tears in his skin and toilet paper for him. Should I wrap those in a plastic bag in case of a sudden downpour?


In prolonged sub freezing temperatures, as we may experience in the northeast, what do you usually put in your water bottles to keep them liquid and drinkable? I prefer about a half a shot of Johnnie Walker White Label, but others suggest an economical single malt.



Finally, one of my friends wants to get into mountin’ bikin’. He just bought a $300 mtb on Craig’s list that is two sizes too small. For his first ride, should I take him to Sourlands, Chimney Rock or Waywayanda?




Your neighbor,


Roadie Prick
Click to expand...

#1, its all about PERFORMANCE.

#2, Tell your riding buddy to learn how to wipe his own ass.

#3, Life is too short to drink shitty booze...go for the good stuff.

#4, Take the nube to Sourlands or somewhere he can break his bike. After he complains about not being comfortable send him to a bike shop for a bike fit and a $5,000 bike to go with it. When he balks at the price sell him your bike for $3,000 and upgrade your ride...he'll think he is getting a bargain.
 
@pooriggy the questions keep coming.

"Dear Iggy,

I know how dreadful it can be to have to ride with myself most days. So like most of my friends I hate being left by myself with me. Sometimes I put an earbud in to listen to music or the Joe Rogan Experience while I ride and think about squats. No harm, no foul, I figure. But the other day I came across someone with a speaker on their bike. I thought this was kind of a cool-yet-douchey idea. First, it allows people to know what I like and to share that awesomeness. On the other hand, what happens if they're playing Don Imus and I hate that withered old shit?

It all came to a head yesterday when I was climbing a trail and some Strava Dick was blasting downhill and refused to yield. Not only did he break one of the cardinal rules of IMBA, he was riding with his own marching band. I ended up having to pull over for 3.5 minutes while the whole entourage passed.

To top it off, the guy stole my KOM and the whole marching band did too. Now I'm 28th. What should I do?

Signed,
Squatter in the Squan"
 
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