Ships Log: Fat Aircraft carrier war games

So your saying you didn't have to wash the sweatshirt? Good one.. Next you'll be clean the dog crap from the floor when they get the runs from the puke.. Keep us Posted KUP
 
@The Heckler Perfect timing! You happen to have any ice burg melter? I hear the Titanic could use some :)

Yes actually, I would love to have it so I can make that brake work again.

@jShort thats great to hear considering that my son is 13 months...my wife must have been foreshadowing when she loaded up his PJ's drawer.
 
Utar - you take the boy out to restaurants? If not, START.... you'll understand why I have soo many grey hairs + I think I ate an entire meal once without breathing in less than a minute.
 
Mountain Bike Mike said:
Utar - you take the boy out to restaurants? If not, START.... you'll understand why I have soo many grey hairs + I think I ate an entire meal once without breathing in less than a minute.
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Even when I'm not out with my kids, I find myself eating way too fast...just out of habit.
 
Sounds like a pretty standard evening at that age, however thankfully my son never threw up until he was 6 and that was the only time. I am still wondering how you couldn't figure out the 2 in 2T.
 
Side thought... if you have a kid at the age where you start to introduce fruits and veggies, don't let em try pickles until they are at LEAST 1 years old... It WILL induce vomiting almost immediately.
 
@Mountain Bike Mike I do take him out all the time actually...I have mastered putting him to bed in his car seat while eating at Cups froyo with @gtluke and company. Of course every week as he gets older it becomes a new adventure as what worked one week, doesnt work the next.

@stb222 see I went with the assumption that "this drawer contains PJ's that fit this child"...I wasnt expecting to find PJ's that are sized twice the current age of my son :)
 
Dude, this is gold!
For those playing along at home this is a pretty accurate representation of the first year or so of parenthood. I call it fluid management. But it gets better. If you do it right, when they start asking questions suddenly you're a genius. If you keep doing it right, you become a hero, at least in one small persons' eyes. And that's kinda what it's all about.
 
stb222 said:
Sounds like a pretty standard evening at that age, however thankfully my son never threw up until he was 6 and that was the only time. I am still wondering how you couldn't figure out the 2 in 2T.
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UtahJoe said:
@Mountain Bike Mike I do take him out all the time actually...I have mastered putting him to bed in his car seat while eating at Cups froyo with @gtluke and company. Of course every week as he gets older it becomes a new adventure as what worked one week, doesnt work the next.

@stb222 see I went with the assumption that "this drawer contains PJ's that fit this child"...I wasnt expecting to find PJ's that are sized twice the current age of my son :)
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I have given up on trying to remember what drawer contains clothing for now and 3 years from now because one month it is one drawer and another drawer a different month.
 
stb222 said:
I have given up on trying to remember what drawer contains clothing for now and 3 years from now because one month it is one drawer and another drawer a different month.
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Yeah - Seriously...

In our family there are a total of 7 grand kids and 6 are boys ranging in ages of 1 - 9 mostly spaced a year or two apart. EVERTIME, we hit a family event, I'm loading up the van with hand me down clothes and coming home with more hand me down clothes. Stef and her sisters have this ongoing clothes cycle, sometimes I can't tell which kids are mine because they all wear the same stuff. The only thing that thins out the rotation - the boys wear out the knees in the pants fast so they get chucked.

That said - when I get my 3 year old dressed (he pretty much dresses himself at this point), I just go drawer to drawer until I find what I'm looking for...
 
you've only been puked on once? pffft. i don't even own any of the clothing from when my girls were babies i got puked on so much.

ok, so i said at some point i'd tell my circus story and i suppose this is the time.

i will never go to a circus again.

so we're at the circus with the kids. Ringling Bros...the big show...at the Izod center. we get there early and make our way down to the floor but so did 11ty billion other families and kids. after getting pushed around trying to look at the imprisoned animals we make our way up to the seats which are decent. of course going to the seats automatically triggers the 'i'm hungry/thirsty' response so i trudge up to the vendors to buy drinks and pretzels. of course they only have the comemorative cups which are $15 a pop. whatevs. we're at a circus. so i bring that stuff down and naturally since the show is about to start the 'souvenir' response is trigged so we all go back up and buy whatever crap the kids want.

we're in the middle of a row with my son on my lap and the girls between my wife and i.

a bit of backstory here: the girls were sick earlier in the week but since they were no longer expelling things from their bodies, a few days later we figure we're in the clear.

as we're sitting there my wife "smells something". she looks at me. wasn't me. looks at the girls. oh god. no. she asks them if their stomachs are ok- they say they think they are. not taking any chances, she bolts with them to the bathroom leaving my son and i to watch the show. so we're in the seats there and he's sitting on my lap all happy enjoying the show...then suddenly he sits straight up tenses up. i've seen this before and within a few seconds he's letting one go on my leg. he looks at me, we giggle and he turns back to the show. and then i smell it. like the absolute worst smell i've ever smelled ever, and it's coming out of my son. immediately he tenses up again but this time it's all bad.

i feel that sensation on my leg again but this time it keeps going. and going. and going. i look down and spilling out of his diaper and all over me is, well, sludge. and it's not stopping. it's literally bubbling OUT of his diaper, all over my legs and onto the floor and the smell is HORRIFIC. i'm absolutely frozen with panic. i'm in the middle of a circus and my kids butt just fantastically exploded everywhere. i have no idea what to do. he looks at me and starts whimpering so stand up, as politely as i can try to get around people and try to get the F outta there.

i can see the people behind me starting to gag and look around but i just keep going. what can i do at this point? i have to take care of my kid. i bolt up to the stairs, do a quick scan for my wife- but she's nowhere to be found so i head to the bathroom. it's open but there is zero toilet paper and only those eco-dryer things. i get out of there and run down the hall to a second bathroom. i walk in and some guy is changing his son. he looks at my son, looks at me and goes "holy shit am i glad i'm not you". no kidding, thanks dude. i ask him for wipes and he hands me like six. yeah, ok. six. that's gonna help. i manage to bust open one of those locked-for-reasons-not-really-known toilet paper dispensers and take the whole, oversized roll. i put my son on the sink and start getting him out of his clothes. the wipes are done in 10 seconds and now i'm trying to balance my son with one hand hold the toilet paper with the other and keep the damn water on the faucet running. it's at this point i re-discover the absolute uselessness of wet toilet paper.

as all this is going on a janitor walks in. i look at him, he looks at me and before i can even say anything, he's out. not a word. just backed up out of the bathroom Peter Griffith style. after about 15 minutes i finally get my kid cleaned and smelling somewhat presentable and come to the next problem. i have a naked kid at a circus and i'm covered in poo. i take off my jacket and wrap it around him and head off to find my wife who hopefully has NOT returned to our seats.

i see her in the hall and i don't know if it was the look on my face or my yelling "um, hey, i need some help here!" but she starts running towards me and stops dead about 10 feet away. looks me up and down and starts laughing hysterically. i'm not so amused at this point, standing in the middle of a circus covered in poo. thankfully she is a chronic over-packer and had a change of clothes for my son. thank the 6lb 7oz sweet baby jesus! i wait with my girls while she goes and gets my son properly clothed.

when she gets back i advise her against going back to the seats which would not be ideal with the poo smell and all. in fact, i wouldn't doubt if that entire section is gone. she decides that no, we are not leaving, we'll just go sit with her mom and brother who are also there. she's like let's go and i'm like yeah, i'm not going ANYWHERE. she's still laughing and at this point the absurdity of it finally gets me out of my full-on panic and i start laughing too. unfortunately, i still smell like a sewer and i'm not staying.

i grab the keys and bolt out to the car. i'm stuck in a crowd of people and can see some of them looking around wondering WTF that smell is and i get hit with massive wave of anxiety and start walking MUCH faster to get out of there. by the time i hit the door i'm full-on sweating. as i'm walking out, i happen to find a plastic bag sticking out of a garbage can so i grab it. i get to the car and now i'm faced with another problem. i CAN NOT get in the car like this. so the finale of this story ends with me standing in the middle of a parking lot at a circus full of little kids taking my pants off. really not ideal. i throw the pants in the bag, tie it up and chuck it into the trunk, hopping into the car as quickly as possible.

for the next hour i wait for the cops to come because there's just no way i didn't get picked up on security. thankfully they never show and i get to sit there in my boxers just waiting. my wife finally shows up, starts laughing her ass off again and we finally leave. i get home, shower and drink beers.

and that's why i'll never go to the circus again.

fin.
 
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instant classics!

@bonefishjake, was that you one bartly(?) road - a bit sought of the naughtright intersection this morning around 9:00 ? mtbnj wind breaker on the roadie.
 
Jake's story right there is why I'm not sure how anybody can be a parent. Not for the experience he had at the circus. It's when his son is a teen and they're having a typical teen/parent fight and in the back of Jake's mind he's thinking "DOES THIS KID NOT KNOW WHAT I'VE DONE FOR HIM? "

-Steve
 
bonefishjake said:
you've only been puked on once? pffft. i don't even own any of the clothing from when my girls were babies i got puked on so much.

ok, so i said at some point i'd tell my circus story and i suppose this is the time.

i will never go to a circus again.

so we're at the circus with the kids. Ringling Bros...the big show...at the Izod center. we get there early and make our way down to the floor but so did 11ty billion other families and kids. after getting pushed around trying to look at the imprisoned animals we make our way up to the seats which are decent. of course going to the seats automatically triggers the 'i'm hungry/thirsty' response so i trudge up to the vendors to buy drinks and pretzels. of course they only have the comemorative cups which are $15 a pop. whatevs. we're at a circus. so i bring that stuff down and naturally since the show is about to start the 'souvenir' response is trigged so we all go back up and buy whatever crap the kids want.

we're in the middle of a row with my son on my lap and the girls between my wife and i.

a bit of backstory here: the girls were sick earlier in the week but since they were no longer expelling things from their bodies, a few days later we figure we're in the clear.

as we're sitting there my wife "smells something". she looks at me. wasn't me. looks at the girls. oh god. no. she asks them if their stomachs are ok- they say they think they are. not taking any chances, she bolts with them to the bathroom leaving my son and i to watch the show. so we're in the seats there and he's sitting on my lap all happy enjoying the show...then suddenly he sits straight up tenses up. i've seen this before and within a few seconds he's letting one go on my leg. he looks at me, we giggle and he turns back to the show. and then i smell it. like the absolute worst smell i've ever smelled ever, and it's coming out of my son. immediately he tenses up again but this time it's all bad.

i feel that sensation on my leg again but this time it keeps going. and going. and going. i look down and spilling out of his diaper and all over me is, well, sludge. and it's not stopping. it's literally bubbling OUT of his diaper, all over my legs and onto the floor and the smell is HORRIFIC. i'm absolutely frozen with panic. i'm in the middle of a circus and my kids butt just fantastically exploded everywhere. i have no idea what to do. he looks at me and starts whimpering so stand up, as politely as i can try to get around people and try to get the F outta there.

i can see the people behind me starting to gag and look around but i just keep going. what can i do at this point? i have to take care of my kid. i bolt up to the stairs, do a quick scan for my wife- but she's nowhere to be found so i head to the bathroom. it's open but there is zero toilet paper and only those eco-dryer things. i get out of there and run down the hall to a second bathroom. i walk in and some guy is changing his son. he looks at my son, looks at me and goes "holy shit am i glad i'm not you". no kidding, thanks dude. i ask him for wipes and he hands me like six. yeah, ok. six. that's gonna help. i manage to bust open one of those locked-for-reasons-not-really-known toilet paper dispensers and take the whole, oversized roll. i put my son on the sink and start getting him out of his clothes. the wipes are done in 10 seconds and now i'm trying to balance my son with one hand hold the toilet paper with the other and keep the damn water on the faucet running. it's at this point i re-discover the absolute uselessness of wet toilet paper.

as all this is going on a janitor walks in. i look at him, he looks at me and before i can even say anything, he's out. not a word. just backed up out of the bathroom Peter Griffith style. after about 15 minutes i finally get my kid cleaned and smelling somewhat presentable and come to the next problem. i have a naked kid at a circus and i'm covered in poo. i take off my jacket and wrap it around him and head off to find my wife who hopefully has NOT returned to our seats.

i see her in the hall and i don't know if it was the look on my face or my yelling "um, hey, i need some help here!" but she starts running towards me and stops dead about 10 feet away. looks me up and down and starts laughing hysterically. i'm not so amused at this point, standing in the middle of a circus covered in poo. thankfully she is a chronic over-packer and had a change of clothes for my son. thank the 6lb 7oz sweet baby jesus! i wait with my girls while she goes and gets my son properly clothed.

when she gets back i advise her against going back to the seats which would not be ideal with the poo smell and all. in fact, i wouldn't doubt if that entire section is gone. she decides that no, we are not leaving, we'll just go sit with her mom and brother who are also there. she's like let's go and i'm like yeah, i'm not going ANYWHERE. she's still laughing and at this point the absurdity of it finally gets me out of my full-on panic and i start laughing too. unfortunately, i still smell like a sewer and i'm not staying.

i grab the keys and bolt out to the car. i'm stuck in a crowd of people and can see some of them looking around wondering WTF that smell is and i get hit with massive wave of anxiety and start walking MUCH faster to get out of there. by the time i hit the door i'm full-on sweating. as i'm walking out, i happen to find a plastic bag sticking out of a garbage can so i grab it. i get to the car and now i'm faced with another problem. i CAN NOT get in the car like this. so the finale of this story ends with me standing in the middle of a parking lot at a circus full of little kids taking my pants off. really not ideal. i throw the pants in the bag, tie it up and chuck it into the trunk, hopping into the car as quickly as possible.

for the next hour i wait for the cops to come because there's just no way i didn't get picked up on security. thankfully they never show and i get to sit there in my boxers just waiting. my wife finally shows up, starts laughing her ass off again and we finally leave. i get home, shower and drink beers.

and that's why i'll never go to the circus again.

fin.
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Best story EVER!
 
I can't come close to the circus story, that's a classic.

There was this one time we were on our way up to see my wife's family in Geneva, NY. Nice ride up 81, all is going well. We're not even out of PA yet and my youngest, about 3 at the time, says she's going to throw up. We pull over and nothing. She says she's ok. Get going again and not a mile down the road she says it's coming. Pull over and again, nothing. This happens 2 more times. Now, I love my kids, but I sure as hell am not going to make this trip a mile at a time. My wife pulls out a plastic bag and says if it happens, she can puke in the bag and we'll pull over.

We get going and we're driving about 10 minutes and I'm thinking we're home free. Nope. 3 year old starts puking, wife panics, bag doesn't work, kids crying, wife yelling. I'm trying to pull over and my wife is mumbling something about "this is bad, real bad". She's yelling at me to pull over, I'm yelling that I'm trying, 3 year old is crying and puking. I yell out some profanities. 5 year old asks what the F word mean. We yell not to say that.

I finally get to the shoulder, open up the sliding door to the mini-van and I see PURPLE. Purple. Why is it all purple? What did you feed this kid? Purple and TONS of it. All over the back of my seat, in seat, on the floor, on her seat, under her seat. BEHIND her seat. How did it get behind....and why is it purple? You know the Stow and Go in the Dodge Caravans? Yeah, in there too. Puddles....of purple.

We get her cleaned up, put the clothes in a bag. I said toss them, but no, that's her favorite outfit. OK, but it's now purple. I clean the car as well as possible, but this thing needs a power washer. I basically scooped up as much as I could and went through a few rolls of paper towels.

The rest of the trip was driven with the windows rolled down, in December.

Fast forward to when we got rid of the mini-van. We're at the dealer and he's looking at the car, for some reason he puts the one seat into the Stow and Go and under the seat was this blob of purple. Looked like something melted. I have no idea why, but he goes and touches it! My wife started to gag right in front of the guy. I just made the comment that it was probably something my kids dropped there, and I'd wash your hands, who knows what it could be?
 
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